Monday, February 07, 2011

Reality check.

So often I stand in front of a mirror and look closely at the person locking eyes with me. This unknown face stares back. A face that I just cannot recognize. Maybe I have lost touch with my inner self I think. It is quite understandable, since I feel I have been busy. Busy pretending to be someone I really am not. It is very easy to pretend. Pretend to be happy when you are not. Pretend to not be angry when you are. Pretend it is easy to get over hurt and pain. My eyes drop and I can no longer look at myself. Or this person I have became. In that moment I wonder if it is okay to change so much you can't remember the person you used to be. Probably if you are happy being the person you are now. Possibly.
In the years we live on earth we all form relationships. Some really wonderful ones, some good ones, some insanely irrational ones and some horrible ones. They all last a particular frame of time in our lives. Some last a very long time and end perhaps with death, some end abruptly, some end well, some bad, while some just deserve to be forgotten. Irrespective of the nature of the relationship I guess they all do have an end date. In all this there is one relationship that is the longest one a human being can ever have; the relationship the person has with themselves. In other words, my relationship with me. It is a long and hard relationship. One that is very demanding of one's energy, attention and a lot of work. It really got me thinking if in the past years I have done justice to that relationship of mine.
And I found an answer that was very upsetting. No. I have paid no attention to my inner self. I have let her face the trauma of my self inflictions and the stabs of pain by the harsh world. Well, no more. Not any more. A dear dear friend once told me, "If you don't have faith in you, there is no point in me having all the faith in the world in you." I know now how right she is. So maybe I am learning the most important lesson too late, and that being selfish isn't necessarily a bad thing. 
I believe in me, I believe I am strong. "For belief makes things alright, for belief makes things real."

As I look at my reflection in the mirror, I see the me I have always known. I smile and think "thanks for standing by me, you."

Sunday, February 06, 2011


I don't remember the first time I learnt a lesson. But I am sure it was ages ago and it was harsh. I have a bad habit of never sensing the onset of the worst. However, a lesson I haven't learnt is to predict the worst and prepare myself for it. This sometimes makes me wish from deep within I was somebody else. Somebody stronger, Somebody more daring and even somebody more liberated. But I am not. I am just me.
A year ago, a started walking a path I never imagined. An aberration from the path I was treading upon, if I may add. In retrospect, I know I set myself up for it. What bothers me is not that I walked that dark path. But the fact that I have still not locked the door to that path. A year later, the entrance to that door haunts me. I stand at its threshold occasionally and tell myself I will resist the pull to enter. I will not put myself through that again. I will not allow someone to push me to my lowest low. For giving anyone that right is not fair to the healing pieces of my heart.
So very often I am told I am a foot mat. In different forms and variants. Some milder and some harsh. But I always knew the implications of it. I knew I held the key to changing that about myself. I knew everyone could train, teach or tell me what to say to the people who intentionally or unintentionally hurt me. But unless I find the strength in me to voice these feelings I feel, I will always be taken for granted. And trust me, everyone has felt that once in their life at least. But to feel it for most part of your life is just sad. Not the kind of sad that calls for even an ounce of pity. The kind of sad that makes the person suffering the loser. The loser in their own life, for they are allowing someone to drain them bit by bit, persistently. 
In an attempt to not send out negativity into the world, in an attempt to be some kind of a mock of a martyr, I all by myself, against my own will and the wish of numerous others, drove myself to a point of self destruction. Recovering from there is hard. Telling myself I am better than the shit the world deals out to me seems like a lie on most days. But I did it anyway.
Today miles away from it I know I am still vulnerable to people like that. My mother often told me I am very sensitive. Recently, I saw what could have been a fatal blow to me. And I stood up for myself. Not because of anything else but I knew I am better than that. I am better than this world that I have begun to see from cynical eyes. I am damn fed up of taking the high road. How long can you be the mature person in all the stupidity tearing the earth apart? Guess I reached my saturation point.
Irony: I feel bad I am not stronger than all this to continue taking the high road.
But what I hear as I tread on this new path full of new promises for me is the sound of relief. Almost an echo of everyone who has looked after me at all my weak moments. For them, for whats left of my heart, I give up trying to bottle what I feel. As perfectly said by Dido in her song white flag "But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it  and where's the sense in that?" :)